Feels good to spend more time in Austin. . .growing more connections with people. Just being present so that people know I’m sticking around. . .so that people make an effort to connect. I love the large community feel of Austin. . .

I’d like to get rid of facebook and my iPhone again like I did when I moved to Austin in the first place. . .disconnect a little. . .but at the same time it’s extremely easy to stay in the loop about events in Austin via Facebook. Must limit useless computer usage and connect with self more.

Feeling a bit disconnected to self. . .I shall start blogging again. These thoughts are less daunting when actually stated. . .they are what they are. They are how I feel. . .I don’t have to dwell on them, just recognize them. How cathartic. . . Gerry was right. ;-)

The random people you meet throughout time is interesting and intriguing. What do we learn from each other. . .what do we teach. What differences do we make in peoples lives without knowing.

Feeling a lack of importance to my life lately. I feel as though I need somewhere to direct energy. Some project. . . some volunteer opportunity where I connect with one person or group of people over and over. . .something where I am depended on. . .something to hold me accountable.

Also thinking about enjoying pleasure versus craving pleasure. During my 10 day meditation I learned about not having aversions toward pain or cravings toward pleasure. This is great when experiencing pain and being able to be objective to it. . .not reacting to it. . .it seems to be less painful this way. Less personal. . . not as deep. But when this is applied to pleasure. . .or enjoyable moments. . . it kind of takes the fun out of things. I can definitely enjoy the moment and be in the moment without thinking about anything. Those timeless moments of laughter or soaring spirits. . .but some acts and some times I experience joy and don’t really allow myself to feel it. . .because I don’t allow myself to be attached to it. . . it’s so impersonal.

Feeling disconnected to myself – – seeing my old self and new self and sometimes not recognizing myself (I’m not talking about looking in a mirror). . .I’m talking about not feeling like I’m inside of my body, inside of myself. . . hmm

Well I feel better. . .still baffled of course. But I shall go enjoy the day for what it is. . .

Wishing these heart palpitations would go away.

Day 8 of 21 day meditation. . .making me think about doing another 10 day meditation . . .but really just need more focus. Yoga challenge? Started Saturday if I decide to continue. . . also back to blogging. Yes. .  .

Apply to job? Hmm. . .

Sign language classes start in one month at ACC and Yoga teacher training starts in 2 months. Looks like I’m committed to being in Austin till atleast July of next year. . .Feels good to put down a few roots. . . to focus more on personal growth while feeling grounded.

Although.  ..since I’ve left Austin every single month since I’ve been here for 7-14 days each month. . .it seems a bit counterproductive. I don’t really feel like I live here yet. Still feel like I”m traveling. Time to stick around a bit. . .must stop these frequent trips soon.

Mmmm chocolate. Yum.

On the other hand, I’d like to visit a few friends. . .Ashley, Caryn. . .

The 10 day road trip to Memphis, Mississippi, and New Orleans left me feeling a bit nostalgic about some traveling through Thailand. Feelings of loneliness. . .wanting to connect with people I’ve had shared experiences with. Wanting to connect with someone who understands me without having to say anything. Myself. . .

Stop chasing the ‘challenge’. . . Finding joy in the suffering. . . enjoy the good. Enjoy what is. . . There’s a fine line between putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and challenging your perspective and. . .making yourself uncomfortable. Must find a balance between two extremes. . . .

“DAMMIT IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY” – “Let’s fucking DO THIS” – “This is a bitchin salad” . . . Dao’s roommate seems to be very good at positive usage of cussing. . .I’d like to also use this. “. . . yesterday I had the urge to angrily cuss. I read through my journal yesterday and laughed at the amount of cussing I did. . .so at one point in a group setting a cussing war was begun but we wanted to frame it in a positive way. . .”I fucking love you” was a good one.

Ah. . .memories of the screaming/grunting with a friend Alex in Thailand. We went around on the streets making a very loud noise and laughing a lot. . .a good way to let out some energy. In this sense it was excitement. . .but I think also letting out pent up negative thoughts out in an exciting way. . . .alright. . . time for some Acro play. :-D

Focus: Forward motion. Irregardless of right or wrong. . .

 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/12/four-more-habits-highly-effective-people-angela-raines/   This is perfect for today’s mindset. Love how everything is connected to each other if I keep my eyes/mind/heart open. . . .